The Power of Hearing What’s Not Said

I remember being in a heated “discussion” (read: argument) with someone who was absolutely convinced I did something I know I didn’t do. The kind of thing where you're so confused, you start mentally retracing your steps like you’re the lead in a true crime documentary: "At 7:45 AM, I opened the fridge. At no point did I text your cousin that thing you’re mad about..."

Instead of jumping in to defend myself with a flurry of facts and timestamps, I stayed quiet. Not because I didn’t have a killer comeback (I did), but because I’ve learned that when people are worked up, they're not looking for a courtroom—they're looking to be heard. So I let them get it out.

And you know what? It diffused. Like steam escaping a pressure cooker. They got it off their chest, the fog lifted, and we could actually talk like humans again.

Here’s the thing: when you’re in an argument—especially with someone you care about—the goal isn’t to win. It’s to understand. That goes double in relationships.

I try to ground every tough conversation with one question: Do we both want the same thing from this? Because most of the time, we actually do. We want to feel seen, heard, understood, and connected. But that gets buried under accusations, sarcasm, or that classic line: “You never call me when you're away.”

Is that really about the call? No. It's about feeling forgotten. Feeling unloved. That little sentence is just the tip of the emotional iceberg—and we’d do well to dive deeper.

But too often—especially us guys—we go full detective mode: “Exhibit A: 3 missed calls. Your Honor, I rest my case.”

Except... it’s not about the case. It’s about the emotion. The unspoken stuff underneath.

So next time someone comes at you with something that feels off or even unfair, try this: pause. Don’t jump in with receipts. Instead, ask yourself, “What’s the feeling behind this?” Is it fear? Is it loneliness? Is it a cry for reassurance?

Because when you start hearing what’s not being said, you stop arguing and start connecting.

Try it today. Whether it’s your partner, your coworker, or your kid asking why you “never” do something—listen for the emotion, not just the words. And hey, next time someone accuses you of forgetting something you definitely did, just smile and say, “Tell me more.” You'll be amazed at where the conversation goes.

ChillaxTribe

POSITIVE AFFIRMATION

I choose understanding over being right.